How to Develop Self-Mastery – Part of Chapter II of the upcoming book ”Find Your Passion”

How to Develop Self-Mastery – Part of Chapter II of the upcoming book Find Your Passion

If you want to find a career with more impact, more income, and more fulfillment, you need to know how to develop self-mastery. In the previous article, “Be the Master of Yourself” we saw the value of self-mastery for a successful career transition, as well as the first step to being the master of yourself: To clarify your emotions. Today, we’ll talk about the next two steps: “Acknowledge your emotions” and “Change your emotional response”. Ready?

 Acknowledge your emotions

Whatever you feel, always remember: IT IS OK. Now that you know why it’s important to clarify what you feel and how to do it, there are two main myths around emotions that we need to bust:

#1 Myth: “Your emotions should not be intense or fluctuate.”

“If this happens, you need to see a therapist”. Unfortunately, such is the impact of social stereotypes and norms in our life that, at the end of the day, we are well convinced that we have psychological problems that need to be “fixed’’. As if you are a pure machine or a software program, and you need your update and troubleshooting. This perspective can be quite dangerous for our self-esteem, health, and well-being because we start considering ourselves as the problem itself. That’s right. You start thinking that you are the problem. What’s wrong with that?

You begin to identify yourself with the problem, or anything that looks to you or others a problem. Finally, it becomes part of your identity. Are you feeling stressed during this period of your life? “Oh, you are an anxious person’’. Feeling bored at work? “Oh, you are a lazy person”. Angry because someone might have mistreated and disrespected you? “Oh, you are an aggressive person”. Sad because you just got rejected? “Then, you are insecure with low self-esteem”.

Hey, listen to this very carefully. Ok? Here it goes: Baloney! You are not your stress. You are not your boredom. You are not your anger. You are not your sadness. You are not your emotions.

“You are not your emotions”

That’s the truth. You just feel them, but you aren’t them. Why? Remember: Emotions are energy in motion (e-motion). They’re electric energy flowing in your body without pause. This means that you always feel, at any moment in time. It also means that the way you feel is different from time to time, moment to moment. It’s like feeling cold and hot. Imagine you are outside and it’s freaking cold! You can’t wait more for your friend to meet outside your favorite restaurant. So, you go inside to warm yourself up. Pheew! It’s much better now, isn’t it? That’s exactly what happens with your emotions. The only difference with our example is that you can notice if you’re cold or hot faster than when you feel stressed. It’s easier to notice what’s happening outside than inside.

The truth is that whatever you feel does happen, whether you notice or not. In fact, you have emotional shifts and fluctuations all the time. You work on a project with a very strict deadline. You know you should get it done, and this awareness makes you feel stressed right now. Out of the blue, a thought about your significant other pops up. You shift from feeling stressed to being excited about your first trip together next week! Then, 15 minutes just flew away, and you feel even more stressed to get your project done; or you feel much more motivated to complete it, so you can spend some real quality time with your partner! One hour later your friend calls you because she just broke up with her boyfriend, who’s a good friend of yours by the way. You feel sad about her because you love her and empathize with her. You’re also concerned that this break-up might affect your friendship with both your friend and her boyfriend. Finally, your boss gives you a call to promote you thanks to your phenomenal job on a previous project! You jump up and down like a little kid now! You feel so happy and grateful.

How many emotions have you gone through in just a few hours?

Plenty. “Oh, you are cyclothymic with a short attention span”. Shall I say it or will you make me the honor? Have a better idea. Let’s say it together. Ready? One, two, three, Baloney!!! 

You are 100% human. You are alive! On the contrary, if you show up as being “flat”, then two things will happen: a) You might be one of the most boring persons that one will ever meet (trust me, you don’t want to be) and b) You must have been suppressing your emotions for a while, which can cause (if it hasn’t done already) the following:

1) Stress

2) Worry

3) Depression

4) Emotional eating/ Obesity

5) Addictions (e.g. alcohol, drugs, sugar/junk food)

6) Insomnia

7) Poor decision-making ability

8) Heart attack/ Stroke

9) Violence (physical/emotional)

10) Sadness

11) Tiredness/ Feebleness

12) Boredom

13) Unexpected physical pain or inflammation (e.g. headaches, stomachaches, back pains, acne, rashes, arrhythmias)

Remember: It’s ok to feel what you feel. Because emotions, being energy, come and go. They are in constant motion, fluctuate, and change all the time. You are greater than your thoughts and emotions. You are whole.

#2 Myth: “Suppressing your emotions is self-mastery/self-management.”

How many times have you heard in your life phrases like “Stop being emotional. You’ll look vulnerable and weak.”, “Don’t cry. You’re a man! Act like one!”, “Don’t cry in the workplace.”, “Hold yourself!”, etc? These are typical expressions of the stereotype, and the collective limiting belief in general, that “hiding your feelings is powerful because you can control yourself and your emotions. Despite the fact that it’s true and appropriate to acknowledge ourselves when we master our feelings, this doesn’t mean that we have to suppress them every time to be considered confident, serious, and “professional’’.

“Moderation is best”

– Aristotle, 384 – 322 BC, one of the greatest scientists and philosophers of all times –

It’s important for everything to be in moderation. Too much confidence leads to arrogance. Too little confidence leads to low self-esteem. Confidence itself is in moderation. Moderation doesn’t stop here though. It’s important for it to be everywhere to bring harmony in the world, both the external and our inner one. And the expression of our emotions is not an exception. The problem is that our modern western culture propels the suppression of our emotions through the rules and things that “You should/must be doing’’. The results? We don’t express ourselves enough, hence we don’t release the negative emotions from our body. Are there occasions where it’s wise to comply with social norms? Absolutely. Someone might get offended if we call them with their first name, whereas another person might feel bad if we call them with their last name, because they don’t love formality, or for any other reason.

On the other hand, you should not comply if anyone tells you that “You cannot achieve this goal/dream. It’s impossible. Because blah blah blah’’; It all depends on the context and circumstances you’re in; but remember that in most cases and situations, and as long as we don’t harm others and ourselves, not only can we express how we feel, but it’s also both appropriate and necessary. That’s also how strong meaningful relationships are made, whether it’s in or out of the workplace. Because it’s absolutely natural for us to seek connection. It’s a fundamental human need as we saw in the introduction; and because you deserve to be you; and by doing this, you give permission to others to be themselves too.

Besides that, remember that the more you don’t express how you feel, the more you harm both your physical and mental health, as we’ve underlined before. And it’ll only get worse. So, the truth is that acknowledging and expressing your emotions are vital to your health and passion discovery; because the more you express yourself, the more aspects of yours start unfolding. That means, you increase your self-awareness, and finding your passion is all about exploring and learning about yourself, who you really are. That’s how you’ll discover what you’re really passionate about. And when your health supports you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, on your passion journey, then a fulfilling and passionate career and life are a matter of (short) time!

Change your emotional response 

Once you clarify and welcome all your emotions, without the need to judge, understand, interpret, or “make sense” of them, then you’ll be ready for a change; a change in your emotional response to your external world. Why? Because remember that the outer world is not but a mere reflection of who you are and how you feel within. It’s like wearing your own unique lens, which has different size and color from all the other existing lenses, others’ lenses. Yes, every person wears their own unique lens. Their own unique clothing. They have their own unique “code”, “program”, “blueprint”, beliefs, negative and positive, and values. There is no such thing as “objective reality” when you observe the world; unless it’s about natural phenomena, and anything that’s a part of nature. A tree is a tree whether you don’t believe it’s a tree or not. But in human interactions, things are far more complicated, because of our unique lenses and points of view. This is your “subjective reality”. This is also why there is the Latin saying “You cannot express an objective opinion’’.

So, our inner world creates our outer world. Put it simply, if you’re happy, everyone looks happy. If you’re moody, you ask yourself “What’s their problem? Why they look at me like that?”, or something similar. Sounds familiar?

“Your inner world creates your outer world”

That’s why it’s crucial for you to be aware of your limited perspective, your lens, in order to stop expecting a specific way of how things should be for others and the world. Your expectations won’t change other people’s lenses, their “subjective reality”. They are the only ones who decide to change themselves; as you are the only one who gets to choose what to change for yourself. So, don’t try to change the outer world. Start changing how you respond to the world. How? By mastering your emotions. First, you clarify them. Then, you acknowledge and welcome them. Finally, you decide whether you want to have this emotional response again in similar circumstances. Yes, you can choose and decide how you’re going to feel in any situation. That’s the beauty of neuroscience. You are not doomed to be a slave of your emotions.

Now be aware that this does not mean that you will make yourself stop feeling. As long as you can breathe, you feel. What does it mean? It means you have to change the roots of your emotions. These are primarily your thoughts. As we’ve said in the introduction, most of our thoughts generate our emotions. And most of our thoughts come from our beliefs. So, how you feel comes from what you think, which comes from what you believe.

So, it’s important to clarify your limiting beliefs and replace them with empowering ones. This way, you’ll experience positive emotions in the same or similar cases that make you experience negative ones. I’m not talking here about pretending that everything is alright when it’s not; nor am I suggesting that you should always experience positive emotions every day, all day, regardless of your life situation. That would be insane and inhuman! It’s ok to feel bad and grieve; whether it’s a loved one or a relationship itself. On the other hand, there are so many cases where you can have a different attitude and emotional response for the better. How great would it be to feel driven when you get rejected, instead of unworthy? Feel confident in yourself when the economy and the world collapse because of a pandemic? Feel excited before an interview or an important meeting, instead of stressed? Feel intrigued and challenged when facing a problem, instead of disempowered and discouraged? Curious when you don’t know something, instead of uncertain and fearful?

That’s exactly the work we’ll do once we finish the “Foundations” part and move to the “Awareness” part of the F.E.A.R.S Release System.

Feel free to connect with me on social media by visiting my personal site JimPanos360.com, or check out and pre-order the “Find Your Passion” book and save 50% here.