The Power of Apology

The Power of Apology

“I’m sorry”

So simple, yet so difficult for people to say. But, why? Why do we make things more complicated than they are? Why some people never apologize for their bad actions and their mistakes? Why don’t they apologize to people they’ve hurt? Are there reasons these people don’t want to apologize for their actions? Before we analyze the reasons, I’d like to point out the difference between an authentic apology, where the person feels regretful and expresses truly what he feels, and the “fake” apology, where the person apologizing for the sake of apology.  That kind of apology is insincere to some extent and given for some reason other than expressing genuine sorrow or remorse.  Some examples are:

• “I’m sorry if…” (conditional apology)

• “I’m sorry that you…” (blame-shifting apology)

• “I’m sorry but…” (excuse-making apology)

• “I was just…” (justifying apology)

• “You know I’m sorry…” (nothing-to-apologize-for apology)

Why people don’t say they’re sorry?

A) They think an apology is a sign of weakness

Many people think that saying sorry is a sign of weak character. They also believe that showing emotional vulnerability can be viewed as a negative quality. They may understand their mistake, but their ego won’t allow them to show it. For example: “I never apologize. That’s who I am.”

B) They don’t believe they’ve done something to apologize for

Egocentric people who think only of themselves, without regard for the feelings or desires of others. For example: “Why do I need to apologize to him? Not my fault he’s too emotional.”

C) It needs courage to apologize

It requires inner strength, humility, and courage to express an authentic apology. Some people don’t want to take the blame for what they’ve done and they prefer to let it pass rather than to take ownership of their actions.

D) They wait for the other to apologize first

I know family members, couples and longtime friends refusing to talk to each other after an argument because neither side wants to let go of their pride and admit their mistake. Even if both sides were right (from their perspective) they wait for the other to apologize first. For example: “We were both wrong, but she didn’t call me to say sorry either.”

E) They don’t value the apology as something important

An example is: “I have nothing to apologize for. It is what it is. Saying I’m sorry won’t change anything.”

There are six important elements for an effective apology, determined by researchers of the study “An Exploration of the Structure of Effective Apologies” as published in the journal Negotiation and Conflict Management Research.

1) Acknowledgment of responsibility

2) Offer of a repair

3) Expression of regret

4) Explanation of what went wrong

5) Declaration of repentance

6) Request for forgiveness

The most important component is the acknowledgment of responsibility and the least effective element is asking for forgiveness.

Remember that most of the time people can tell whether you are saying a meaningful “sorry” or you’re pretending. So, how does an authentic apology look like?

When you’re saying “I’m sorry” and you really mean it, you maintain eye contact with the other person because you’re focused on what you’re saying. If you don’t look at the other person while you’re apologizing, he/she might feel that you are not sincere, or you’re trying to hide something, or you’re trying to come up with something to say. Also, the tone of your voice in an authentic apology is calm, and it shows that you acknowledged and accepted your mistake, and you want to make it right. And last but not least, you have to be specific about what you did wrong, in your apology. For instance: “I’m really sorry about what I did. I know I made you feel bad about my attitude in the last couple of days. I went through a tough situation in my life and I wasn’t being myself. I want you to be happy.”

Reference

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/06/the-top-12-fake-apologies-and-what-makes-for-an-authentic-apology/